Local Man Won’t Be Happy Until ICUs Overwhelmed

AS long as there’s a trolley left empty in the halls of our hospitals, the country should remain open for business as usual; that’s the opinion of amateur statistician and full-time local man Alan Canning, who told WWN all about how Ireland is ‘well able’ to incur another few deaths here and there for the sake of commerce.

“There’s 600 people dying every day in the UK from Covid-19, and there’s what, 5 or 6 every day here? We could easily keep pubs going flat out with lock ins and still keep the deaths to about a hundred a day so my question is, why aren’t we doing that?” asked Canning, son of a publican.

“It makes no sense to close anything and inflict any economic hardships on the whole country when we have so many more people that we could spare. I’m not saying we need to lead the world in deaths, I’m just saying that compared to other countries the same size as us, we’re falling way behind so there’s, y’know, wriggle room there”.

When pressed on ICU numbers, frequent Journal.ie commentator Canning stressed that the government plan to avoid the life-saving units from being overwhelmed had worked ‘almost too well’, and that they could afford to open up more of the country until they got ‘a little bit swamped’.

“As a man with fuck all else to do, I can show you statistics going back to March that tell a very different story than the one the authorities are spinning” beamed Canning, loving all this.

“No ICUs were overwhelmed. Maybe we could let one or two be overwhelmed? The doctors and nurses are well fit for it, they’ve had practice”.

Canning also went on to state that he ‘didn’t know one person’ who had died from Covid, cementing his opinion that it wasn’t that serious.