Revealed: The Government’s Excuses For Not Paying Student Nurses

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THIS WEEK the government voted down a motion by Solidarity-People Before Profit which proposed paying student nurses, with the vote losing 77 votes to 72 votes.

While some of the Irish public seem aggrieved by the outcome, it may just be that they haven’t seen things from the government’s side who drew on a dazzling array of excuses:

“It’s not that we don’t want to or won’t pay student nurses but the Bill proposed by the opposition just isn’t suitable. Why didn’t we table our own motion at any point over the last 9 months? Eh, well, it’s…eh, oh my God what’s that behind you?”

“Do you know how hard it is to get into hospitals these days, if anything, you should be paying us for the privilege.”

“Wait, are you sure we didn’t pay you? Did you give us the wrong bank details?”

“If we paid the student nurses then where would it stop? Paying dogs for being walked? Typical lefty lunacy. And them lot wanted to vote on abolishing fees too?!”

“My voting hand got stuck in the ATM when I was withdrawing my new pay increase.”

“What do you expect from me, I’m the type of politician who when I hear the full panel of players won’t be allowed in Croke Park for the All-Ireland finals I raise hell, but on the issue of paying student nurses on the other hand, not so much”.

“We’re not made of money, I mean, we’re made of enough money to fund paying you but…”

“OK so yes, when minister for health back in March Simon Harris did say student nurses would get paid for working mammoth shifts without the proper PPE during a pandemic, but if you closely at the footage he had his fingers crossed at the time. We’d appreciate you have been tired from a raft of 13 hour shifts but it’s your own fault for not spotting that.”

“We’re getting paid by the EU tomorrow, promise, you’ll have it your account Monday, but if you don’t, get in touch with the bank. You know they way sometimes when ye get paid on a Friday it might not go through ’til the Monday or a glitch makes it the following Monday?”

“We’d love to pay student nurses and midwives but that would require us to develop compassion.”

“Come back and talk to us when you’ve turned yourself into a US multi-national”.

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