Fuck! Doonbeg Man Just Bought A New Car And Everything

THE potential end of Donald Trump’s reign as president of the United States couldn’t have come at a worse time for Doonbeg native Marty O’Learaoigh, who just put a 202 Toyota RAV4 under his arse on the strength of Trump’s continuing presence in the Clare area.

“It seems that to the American people, Clare Lives Don’t Matter” fretted O’Learaoigh, as the future of his job as a manager in the Trump International Golf Links & Hotel, the jewel in the crown of Trump’s West Clare empire, remained in doubt.

“How the people of Pennsylvania could flip to Joe Biden while faced with the evidence of the jobs and the boost to the economy that has come into the Munster area thanks to President Trump is beyond me… what has Joe Biden ever done for me, and my family? Sure, he talks a good game about justice and ‘truth’ and ‘the right thing to do’, but how is that going to pay for my new car?”.

Elsewhere in the quiet west Ireland town, grown men openly wept as they remembered the Trump kids coming to visit the area when they were ‘only wee boys of 35’.

“What’s going to happen to them young lads if their dad loses his job? I’ll never forgive the Democrats for what they’ve done to the Trumps, never” sobbed one man we spoke to, who has never visited Trump’s hotel due to the cost of it but he has a niece who usually waitresses there at the weekends.

Doonbeg will today hold an all-night vigil to pray for Trump to somehow claw back victory and remain in power, as long as it gives him whatever he needs to keep his hotel open selling 13 euro chicken goujons to rich white men for another few years.