“Biden Just Needs .05% Of Ballots In Capaloola County, Georgia” Confirms Waterford Man As If Reporting Live From White House Lawn

TAKING to his Twitter personal account which has 37 followers like it was a news bulletin being broadcast live across the world to 197 different countries, Waterford man David Scanlan believes he can now officially call a decisive victory for Joe Biden.

Bestowing upon himself the imagined responsibility to inform the world of Joe Biden’s impending victory after the tides turn in his favour in several key states, Scanlan is ready to ‘call it’ now the results are in from the counties of Butt Farm, Capaloola, Givapoke and Nannyshipper Rapids as well as the ‘bellwether’ district of Flunktrouser, PA.

“As I’ve been saying for some time the mail-in ballots from Little Froggetsville, a traditional Blue heavy voting district will be key,” parroted Scanlan, of information he didn’t understand, pertaining to locations he had just learned the existence of via CNN.

“Well if combined with the incoming projection I have for .05% of Sludgington GA and Crash Bandicoot OH, hot doggit he’s damn near home and hosed,” added Scanlan, who has since Tuesday transformed himself into the only political pundit online he believes is worth listening too when it comes to the US election.

Feeling for a non-existent earpiece in his ear, Scanlan now with unwavering certitude began broadcast the results of Roogansplatter Hills, Arizona to his partner Sinead Halley who was sitting on a nearby couch.

“I’m loath to call any county before all the votes are in Sinead, but it looks like Joseph R Biden Jr of Scranton, Pennsylvania is the 46th President of these United States of America,” said Scanlan, successful guesser of the names of max 23 US states if you asked him on the spot.