Every Business Essential All Of A Sudden


THE elasticity of the government’s Level 5 lockdown is currently being tested by a number of businesses that claim they fall under the ‘essential retail’ banner, while the 5km travel rule is also being put to the test thanks to a rise in people who can ‘get you a letter for the Guards for that’.

Tánaiste Leo Varadkar today urged people to abide by the ‘spirit of the regulations’ following reports of shops staying open by suddenly stocking PPE and hand sanitiser, adding that people should not exploit the many, many loopholes in the hastily-drafted list of what the public can and can’t do during Level 5.

“Bongs, rolling papers and Bob Marley posters may be essential to some people, but that doesn’t mean the local smoke shop should stay open, and yes, I know we didn’t specifically call that out in our list but c’mon, seriously” said a stressed Varadkar, getting irate that people have the audacity to try and stay employed at the minute.

“No, you can’t keep your scented candle shop open ‘in case there’s a power cut’. Again, we didn’t write any of this down, because to be honest we didn’t think we’d have to. I would have thought it’d be enough to just tell you people what to do, and you’d do it”.

As more and more businesses remain open citing the ‘but that other shop is doing it’ rule, the government are considering upping the fines involved in a bid to enforce the law, as well as to make a few quid on the side too.