Panic Shopping: Why You Don’t Have Time To Read This


WITH mere hours to go until the country enters Lockdown 2: Lockdown Harder, only a fool would be absentmindedly browsing the internet on their phone, engaging in frippery such as article reading and social media; it’s time to purchase, purchase, purchase!

Even as we speak, as you read these words, thousands of consumers are descending upon shops, buying up toilet papers to wipe their arses over the next six weeks; have you considered how your arse is going to get wiped? Will it wipe itself? Over the last six months, have you evolved into some sort of clean-arsed entity that has no need for toilet paper? We don’t think so. Which is why you need to get in the car with as much cash as you can carry, and head to your nearest toilet roll outlet.

Have you Christmas sorted? Forget the pandemic, what about the Adventlanche? When December rolls in and you don’t have a brussel sprout in your house, what will you say? Get out there with a twice-checked list and sort it out!

In accordance with government guidelines, all non-essential retail, travel and contacts must cease at 12 midnight on Wednesday, but until then we’re all actively encouraged to get out there, mingle together, make sure you get good and immersed in as many people across as many locations as possible. Don’t fear reprisal; NPHET have already stated that the health service is beyond the capacity of what they can trace and track, so nobody will ever know it was you who infected four members of staff in Elverys when you were in buying a must-have dartboard.

Why are you still here? That’s four minutes you’ve spent reading this, that you could have spent elbowing old women in the face for the last sliced pan ever to be baked in Ireland! Go now!