A HAGGARD man with matted hair, jaundiced skin and a pronounced paunch, who claims to be from the future, has soothed the nation by claiming that after the 27th or so lockdown you sort of get used to it.
“I haven’t traveled back in time to give a stark warning or urge a drastic change in direction or anything like that, I’m just saying it’s grand like, ye get used to it,” Dublin man Gerry Castins shared with the nation after emerging from a pulsating electric orb purporting to be a gateway from the future.
Castins spoke of currently going through lockdown 27.0 in the future, a full 25 lockdowns on from Ireland’s current status.
“Yeah, so I come from a distant time known as August 2021,” the time traveler said, “hmm what else can I tell ya? Let’s see, well, Netflix still has f-all decent movies, but look it you make do”.
“And look, obviously I’m not saying the lockdown 12 or 13, where we had to eat the kids was my favourite. Obviously not, but you get used to the lockdowns eventually ya know, and if you can have a bit of fun when and where possible go for it. Oh and if anyone has any good squirrel based recipes let me know,” a thoroughly out of shape Castins explained.
Noting his excess weight and the yellow hue of his skin, we presumed that lockdowns 3 to 27 also saw the closure of gyms and restrictions on outdoor exercise, preventing Castins from staying in shape.
“Jesus no, gyms are open I’m just a lazy prick these days. This is the longest I’ve been away from my couch since lockdown 21, I feel a bit faint” he added as his legs grew unsteady, his bones having already become frail from repetitive nights in front of the TV armed with a 6-pack and a take away.
WWN probed Castins for more information such as who is the Taoiseach now, how did the health service cope over the winter and other details.
“Well, we abandoned democracy around lockdown no.5 so technically there is no Taoiseach. Now Covid-19 policy is decided by a combination of what tweet gets the most likes on Twitter and Simpsons memes, then we pick the worst idea from a phone-in caller to Newstalk and bingo, our strategy is sorted. Oh and all the hospitals spontaneously combusted early January, sorry”.