Local Woman Names Paul Mescal, Jamie Dornan & Cillian Murphy In Her ‘Social Bubble’


ONE LOCAL woman was straight out of the traps this morning in a bid to secure her new ‘social bubble’ as the country stares down entering Lockdown 2.0.

Sarah Heffin, 29, single and living alone, meets the criteria of someone who is allowed nominate a ‘social bubble’ to stave off loneliness and isolation amid a six-week lockdown and has wasted no time in misunderstanding how it all works by naming three men she claims are very close and dear friends.

“So how does this ‘social bubble’ craic work, do I give the list of names to the guards, the Taoiseach? Who? And then the rides, eh I mean dear friends, arrive via An Post express delivery or something? I bagsie Paul, Jamie and Cillian before anyone else,” said Heffin, who’s sex life this year could be described as ‘Irish health service’ eg. non-existent.

“We can bubble it up every day of the week,” an enthusiastic Heffin said as she began placing rose petals on the floor from the door of her apartment to her bedroom.

“You know, Paul, Jamie, Cillian, we’ll all just have socially distant chats and that,” added Heffin as she filled a bowl on her bedside table with condoms, and began vigorous stretching.

“Fair play to the government for considering this bubble stuff, it makes sense at the end of the day doesn’t it? Mental health and all that” added Heffin screwing the harness of her sex swing into place in the ceiling while dog-earring her copy of the Kama Sutra.

“Actually add in Enya to my bubble too,” Heffin concluded, realising she’ll need someone to soundtrack her time with Mescal, Dornan and Murphy.