“Lockdown Crucial If We Want To Go Absolutely Fuckin’ Mental Over The Christmas” Confirms Taoiseach

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CLARIFYING some elements of his speech to the nation last night, Taoiseach Micheál Martin confirmed that the next six weeks of lockdown have to go well if ‘we are to all go absolutely, balls-to-wall Irish-style mental over the Christmas’.

“Horsing pints down your gullet like it was a Covid-19 vaccine while your head is squeezed into some tall fucker’s sweaty armpit in a packed pub – this is what we want. We must embrace lockdown now so we can lock-in come Christmas,” confirmed the Toaiseach, while pointing to detailed graphs indicating the levels of overindulgence and partying an Irish Christmas is synonymous with.

“It is imperative all ‘the lads’ behave themselves now so they can all wreck the fucking heads of everyone at Christmas as they burst into pubs in novelty jumpers,” added an official belonging to the Department of Sessions, in just the latest example of promises the government has no hope of keeping.

The Taoiseach clarified that restrictions at Christmas time will of course prevent every semblance of a normal festive period from occurring, but the government is aware of the fact that “ye won’t listen anyway”, hence the frank and open discussion around getting “moldy-as-fuck”.

“We hope and pray that we can all enjoy an advent calendar full of bad decisions, stomach pumping, photocopying arses on the office computer and losing the will to live as your monosyllabic uncle enters day 4 of refusing to leave the house after Christmas dinner, we treasure these moments – let’s do this lockdown to make it all possible,” concluded an emotional Taoiseach, looking as pale and haunted as a man who went out on the lash on Christmas Eve and now has to eat 8 different types of potatoes.

Elsewhere, the non-Christian portion of the Irish population thinks it’s more than ‘fucking deranged’ a government, in charge of a crippled health service, is temporarily closing down the country so people can eat very dry turkey, decorate a tree and give poorly thought out gifts to one another.

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