Government Avoids PPE Shortage By Collecting Masks Dumped On Road


THE HSE are confident that their supplies of personal protection equipment will ‘hold firm’ over the treacherous winter months ahead, after investing in a number of litter-picker-upper tools and a big box of Daz.

“Walk around any town, any hedgerow, any lane; masks are more plentiful than blackberries. Some people are just throwing them away!” beamed Minister For Health Stephen Donnelly, sporting a blue-and-white face mask that has done him rightly for the last ten weeks.

“Of course, the previous government were caught napping when it came to protection equipment for our front line workers, but not me; I’ve got teams of re-trained unemployed people and out-of-work artists and musicians out day and night gathering them, and a laundry that freshens them up for our ICU staff. Sorted!”.

The move to recycle discarded face masks was met with joy from Tidy Towns committees around the country, who had reported a spike in ‘Pandemic Littering’ since March, among other Covid-19 related anomalies in the traditional Irish ‘circle of rubbish’.

“Cans in fields are up, but half-empty pint glasses a hundred yards away from pubs are down” said a spokesperson for Tidy Towns, amid bouts of tutting.

“Things like that. And of course, you see the amount of face masks that litter our hedgerows now. I can see why though, sometimes you’re just wearing a face mask and you think, fuck this thing! And drop it where you stand. Why suffer the hassle of carrying four inches of cloth any further than you have to, right? Totally understandable, and totally not a dirtbag thing to do”.

Front line workers were unavailable for comment on the matter, as they were too busy saying rosaries.