THERE HAS been considerable consternation caused by the latest press briefing conducted by the government’s crack team of Confusing Covid Confusion experts.
Such is the impenetrable logic populating much of the new measures and guidelines, some over the top critics have suggested it is high time the government ‘got their fucking heads out of their asses’ and give the crazy idea of communicating clearly and cohesively with the public a try.
While waiting for such an unlikely occurrence to materialise, please read up on all the things that are easier to understand that the current guidelines:
A goat with a speech impediment speaking Latin backwards drowned out by the sound of a jet engine.
How they get the figs into Fig Rolls.
Why young lads all have the same shit haircut.
The plot to Interstellar.
Why Joey would pick ever even contemplate picking Dawson over Pacey.
Ikea instructions. In their original Swedish.
A conversation conducted with Tom Hardy from opposite sides of a crowded Metallica concert.
Why kids love watching other kids play video games more than playing video games.
Ed Sheeran’s continued popularity.
Why Fungi doesn’t just fuck off out of Dingle to somewhere nicer.
ITV’s Tipping Point.
How Leo Varadkar acts as if he isn’t part of this current government.
‘Parasite’ with the subtitles switched off.
Why your earphone wires get tangled up constantly.
Our own mortality.
How the Irish property market is seemingly impervious to both a pandemic and a recession.
Boris Johnson’s Brexit strategy.
Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson getting engaged that time.
Why the government insist on calling them ‘wet pubs’.
Why YouTube’s suggested videos keep showing you pro Neo-Nazi content after you watched that one video called ‘Nazis are very bad’.
How Mel Gibson is still getting work.
Nipples on men.