BACK TO SCHOOL pictures on social media have become the new fad in keeping up with the Joneses, evolving from simple front door snaps of children heading back to school, to a new form of ‘look at my beautiful house interior’. WWN looks at the 5 best photogenic fireplaces to stick your back to school kid in front of, which are sure to give a big fuck you to rival social media parents.
1) The Minimalist
One of our favourite fireplaces to show off your home this year has to be this minimalist design which oozes ‘I’m moderately wealthy, but not bothered’. Perfect for lobbing little Jamie or Steven in front of. Note the lack of knick knacks on the mantelpiece here. Always take all the useless things off the mantelpiece before snapping your little darling, making sure to push them far enough to one side of the fireplace to maximise the full reveal. “A bit more to the left, that’s it Steven. No, you’re blocking the fancy candles. That’s it, a bit more left. No, your other left. Good boy”.
2) The Old ‘Look At This Fancy Shit, You Pricks’
Originally stolen from a castle somewhere and sold at an auction for ridiculous money, this magnificent marble design is perfect for the upper tier middle classers out there. Relish in the thoughts that very few parents in little Turlough’s class would even dare challenge you to a fireplace off with this beaut. Back in your box, O’Riordans, with your fancy BMWX 201. Fireplaces is where it’s at this year, bitch.
3) The Arty Crowd Down The Street
Convincing yourself that expensive fireplaces don’t have to look charming will be no problem with this handcrafted, green tiled Mediterranean piece that you bought ten years ago from a red haired lad in a Hiace van for 3 grand. Yes, you may have blown most of your family savings at the time, but at least you have this every year to plomp little Britney beside. Perfect for every interior photo opportunity, this will feature in all family photos, disguising the fact the rest of your gaff is a kip, fooling absolutely no one.
4) His Royal Highness
For those who want to crush all applicants to this year’s keeping up with the Joneses, this African inspired piece will not only outdo other people’s fireplaces, but probably costs more than most people’s homes. We salute you, squire. Go forth and get snoozed for 30 days from everyone’s timeline. Winning.
5) Ah, Sure God Love Them
Now these guys, evicted by a vulture fund at the start of the year, make your trivial pursuit of likes on social media seem almost stupidly pointless and utterly narcissistic but you’d be wrong. You could potentially offer them the chance to pose in front of your glorious fireplace and then bask in all the positive comments from friends about how kind you are. Just as long as your kids aren’t forced to sit beside them in school.