“What In The Ever Living Fuck Is Going On?” WWN Explains The Government’s New Covid Measures


YESTERDAY evening’s briefing by the government on new measures, guidelines and restrictions in light of a rise in case numbers brought with it some consternation, frustration and one loud “what in the ever living fuck is going on?”

While the government admitted that it was an error to take a drunken uncle’s speech at a wedding approach to writing up new measures and regretted jamming a screwdriver into the Dáil printer and pressing ‘print’, an explanation is still needed.

Somewhat lost and confused, the Irish public briefly considered bringing Alan Turing back from the dead to help decipher the government’s guidelines. However, WWN is on hand to provide much needed clarity:

– Nothing in relation to meat processing factories or Direct Provision centres as the people in charge of these are absolutely knocking it out of the park and putting the rest of us to shame.

– Mass can still go ahead. Sessions of 6 people or less can still go ahead. Mass sessions are a no.

– Including zero Mean Girls quotes in his speech, it’s like Micheál isn’t taking this shit seriously.

– Under these new measures we’ve lost all moral superiority over the hames the Brits were making of Brexit with immediate effect.

– Families greater in number than 6 people will have to separate into different homes. Alternatively families are advised to get jobs in the same factory if they want to see each other.

– With limited, socially distant crowds at outdoor sporting events now banned again, the GAA are seeking clarification on possibly being allowed have a kick around in a poorly ventilated meat factory.

– Separately, the GAA, responsibly wielding the highly influential it has in Ireland, is due to produce a call out video to NPHET any day now.

– Honestly, it’s not that confusing what part about being encouraged to holiday all around the country, gather in substantial meal serving pubs, reopening schools while not being allowed have more than 7 guests in your house is so hard to understand?

– Oh yeah, fuck, this is the same lot in charge of the plan for reopening schools.

– All hucklebucking, rock the boating and birdie dancing suspended for the foreseeable future.

– The government reiterated they’d prefer you not to travel to countries they deem safe. People using the word staycation urged to cop on.

– No we’ve no idea what happened the whole switching from Phases to Colour Coded either.

– Everyone who threw their TV out the window during yesterday’s address can apply for the new TV Replacement Fund Grant.

– Screenings of the Magnificent Seven and The Hateful Eight are to be banned. The Hobbit: Battle Of The Five Armies is fine.

– New measures announced from the government also included working from home where possible, avoid public transport where possible and limiting social contacts, a huge shift from old measures which included limiting social contacts, avoid public transport where possible and working from home where possible.

– If the stress of having a complete lack of reassuring and easily understandable communications is getting to you, scream into the void now.