‘Get The Fuck Back Out There And Get Married Properly’, Media Tell Princess Beatrice


THE TABLOID media has rugby-tackled Princess Beatrice and her new husband to the ground, stripped them of their wedding rings and forced them back to Buckingham Palace for a ‘do-over’, claiming that their ‘intimate wedding ceremony’ at the weekend is null and void owing to how little money anyone made from it.

From the involvement of controversial monarch Prince Philip or a sweat free Prince Andrew to the possibility of a Pippa Middleton-esque bridesmaid with ‘a lovely bum’, the media in England are today feeling ‘robbed’ of their right to cover a royal wedding, and are consoling themselves with a mere 1,572 articles on the subject today.

“Hold up love, we haven’t even had a chance to have a go at this new husband of yours” said Erick Ruspin, celebrity editor of popular red-top tabloid The Daily Wind.

“Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi? You’re having a laugh if you think we’re letting you marry someone with a name like that without a fortnight’s worth of scandalous headlines. Even his name alone would keep us in puns for a month. Like… well, I can’t think of one now. Keith does puns, he’ll get you one”.

It is widely believed that Beatrice and Edoardo, now known as B-Moz, cruelly robbed the British public of a much-needed opportunity to both enjoy a Royal Wedding and bitch incessantly about a Royal Wedding, prompting a re-up of their nuptials as soon as possible.

“During all this Coronavirus panic, a Royal Wedding is exactly what the nation needs to lift their spirits” said one journalist.

“During all this Coronavirus panic, a Royal Wedding is exactly what we need to ignite a class war,” said another.