Solidarity! Leading Brands Conclude They Can Make More Money Pretending To Care About Racism
DESPITE major brands pulling all advertising spend three months ago from every social media platform, radio, tv station and billboard across the world over the Covid-19 pandemic, thousands of companies have come together in financial solidarity this week to ‘boycott Facebook’ in a bid to ‘stop hate for profit’, proving once and for all that it has never been more important to use this time to secure new customers.
“We’ve crunched the numbers and it turns out we can actually earn more money by pretending to give a shit about this race stuff by pulling all the advertising spend from Facebook,” shared one chuffed analyst, who was just glad of an excuse like this to come along, if he’s honest.
“You want real world action that can help solve inequality like good health care, higher wages, better training, ability to join a union – we’re a big fat no. But if you want us to chuck a quick image on Twitter with some bullshit solidarity statement; you’ve got it, fam!”.
“One social media post about how ‘we won’t advertise until blah blah blah equality blah etc’ and our Q4 revenues should increase and give us some serious kudos,” another executive added, hoping beyond hope no one sees through the endless waterfall of bullshit emanating from his latest powerpoint presentation.
“BLM, LGBTQ, Feminism; you fucking idiots would buy anything we throw at you and we’d like to thank you all for that,” concluded another head of exploiting movements for money, now eyeing up the next big thing to capitalise on.
Meanwhile, struggling businesses who were left abandoned by the major brands who actually stopped spending in March have welcomed the stop hate for profit campaign.
“We may have no revenue coming in for the last 3 months, but at least those really cool brands have finally found a valid excuse for halting all advertising during the busiest traffic time in online history – it all makes perfect sense now – thanks, brands!” concluded one Irish publisher, before handing over his entire business to a receiver.