Cockfighting, Extramarital Affairs & Road Bowls; Here’s What Phase 3 Means For You

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AS Phase 3 of the government’s 4-phase re-opening of the country kicks into place today, here’s what the nation can finally start doing again after months of Covid-enforced lockdown:

1. All cockfighting, lurching, salmon poaching, off-season hunting, fox-lamping, badger baiting and elk-stabbings can once again take place, hopefully bringing the nation’s wildlife into check after months of running rampant like they own the place. Please note; actual cock-fighting off the human male variety is prohibited until Phase 4.

2. Barbershop and hair-salon visits are allowed, providing that adequate measures are taken to ensure safety, as well as small-talk being kept to an absolute minimum. Any mention of ‘going somewhere nice for the summer’ is to be avoided to make sure nobody bursts into floods of tears.

3. An ease in travel restrictions will mean polygamous citizens are finally able to visit their secret second family five counties away. Be sure to have a sufficient kidnapping/jail story at the ready.

4. All semi-legal public road-based sporting activities such as bowls or sulky racing can go ahead from today. Motorists are advised to keep an eye out on the backroads for such activities, and to be polite to the large man who approaches your car and asks if you’d ‘mind just waiting there a minute’ before leaving you stranded on the road for an hour.

5. Public demonstrations against the opening of Direct Provision centres can take place again. Please remember to carry placards with ‘we should think of our own first’ to each protest. Demonstrations against Direct Provision as a whole are still prohibited.

6. Masks, should be worn? That’s not a typo, that’s exactly what it says in the government briefing. Masks comma should be worn question mark. So… make of that what you will.

The government has advised that these measures must be strictly adhered to if the nation is to successfully progress into phase 4, with grave warnings that Ireland may be forced to ‘step back a phase’ or ‘ritually sacrifice the less necessary in society’ if Covid numbers flare up again.

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