China To Euthanize Population And Start Again

THE central government of the People’s Republic of China has announced a series of radical new plans to tackle the recurrent outbreaks of the Coronavirus, including euthanizing its population, incinerating them, sterilizing the entire country and starting all over again.

The State Council has ordered the annihilation of almost 1.3 billion people over the next three months, keeping on only a handful of people who already contracted Covid-19 and are now producing antibodies of their own to fight it.

“Ah, sure, I’m pushing on now anyway and I’ve trapped nerve in my back that’s absolutely killing me so I’m happy enough to comply,” agreed 42-year-old Chinese businessman, David Lee, who was hoping to be killed as soon as possible.

President Xi Jinping thanked the people of China for all their hard work over the years and applauded the nation in a brief 3 minute televised address before ordering the military to ‘initiate proceedings’.

“Anything to save the republic,” mother-of-one, Ling Chow told WWN as she ushered her family members outside to an awaiting firing squad, “saves me making the bloody dinner tonight – that’s for sure – and don’t get me started on tidying the house; you’d be sick of it all, wouldn’t you?”

The new measures are expected to also boost China’s human organ market, however, manufacturing is expected to take a huge hit over the next couple of years.

“Give us 4 to 5 years and the babies who will be born this year will be primed to work by 2025,” the President reassured the public, as a torrent of gunfire rang out across the nation, echoing off its great wall.