Government Announce That Up To Six People Can Meet Indoors, But Sure You Know Yourself

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FOLLOWING revised advice from NPHET, the HSE, a ‘few of the lads’ and a quick Google to double-check if that 5G stuff was in fact bollocks, the government have ramped up the re-opening of the country with a few new additions to the phased roadmap laid out a month ago.

If you’re feeling confused as to what this means for you now, fear not; Taoiseach Leo Varadkar took to the airwaves yesterday to inform the nation that the new Phase 2 will invoke the ‘ah sure you know yourself’ rule, which should clear up any uncertainty.

From today:

You’re allowed to travel up to 20km from your home, or within the limits of your county borders. But, y’know, if you want to go somewhere that’s 25kms away, or just go three counties over, that’s up to you. You might be unknowingly taking Coivd-19 with you, but really, if you were going to have it, you’d have had it by now, right? Be grand.

You can meet up to 6 people inside your home, without getting dirty looks from your neighbours. These gatherings should be short, but again; you know yourself how these things go. If three more lads show up to your gaff party at 2 in the morning, what are you going to do, turn them away? Don’t be a dry shite.

All retail is re-opening, and all trips to the shops are deemed necessary. No longer do you have to worry about this ‘essentials only’ craic. Head up and unleash the dogs of war in Penneys! With restrictions still in place for how many people can enter a shop at any given time, the public are also advised to browse as much as possible while in store, to ‘get the benefit’ of having waited an hour outside. Also if you could try and touch every single thing in the shop, that’s probably alright.

If you can work from home, then continue to do so. Ha ha! Like you needed to be told this. No trousers this month!

Wear masks, maybe? If you feel like it. Sure you know yourself.

Playgrounds are open if they’re supervised, so if you see a playground, go ahead and lift your kid over the railings. You’re there, so you’re a supervisor, technically. Even if you’re just going to be on your phone the whole time.

Up to 15 people may partake in outdoor sporting activity. Ha ha! Yeah get the lads round for 7 and a half-a-side. 11 on 11, get it done. You’ll be grand. Sure Seamus will never get near the fucking ball.

Pubs will be allowed re-open if they serve food, so get ready for some delicious pints and a pot noodle.

Phase 3 of the re-opening is set to take place on June 29th, although it’s unclear what will be left to do by then.

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