THE EU Commission has announced plans for a rescue and stimulus package worth approximately €1 trillion which will help aid the recovery of any member state that hasn’t voted to leave the EU in the last 5 years, WWN can confirm.
“That’s right, if you’re a member of the EU then you’ll be getting your share of this once-in-a-lifetime financial boost, which will almost certainly save your economy, your people and your country from the devastating economic effects of the Covid-19 crisis” said European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen, trying her hardest not to laugh.
“If your country has recently, and I’m not pointing any fingers here, but if your country has recently voted to leave the EU, well, then in that case you are… what’s that expression the kids use? Shit out of luck?”
Von der Leyen went on to show a visual representation of what €1tn looks like in €5 notes; a literal warehouse full of money, before casually changing the subject to the United Kingdom.
“Oh and while I’m here, I’d just like to say hello to our former colleagues in Britain, how’s things lads?” she asked, wiping her brow with a crisp fifty.
“I see you guys have had a rough time with the Coronavirus; that’s too bad. But hey, we’re all sure you guys can handle it, and you’re well able to take care of whatever’s coming down the line. If you need us for anything, just ring. But maybe leave a message, we’ll be busy handing out one trillion, that’s ONE. TRILLION euro to our friends. Cheers lads, best of luck!”.
The EU have yet to confirm where this money is coming from or how it will eventually be paid for, but have stated that they’re OK with whatever consequences come down the line, just to see the look on the Brits face right now.