Stoner Strung Out To Fuck Thanks To Lockdown Restrictions

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DESPERATELY ripping open old discarded joint butts to see if there was enough for the makings of a one skinner, Waterford man Danny Hoggins howled in anguish as one of the cruelest and longest droughts in weed history ravaged the nation, thanks to dozens of Garda checkpoints across the country.

“For the love of everyone’s sanity on this island, please let the dealers transport their stuff from town to town by lifting restrictions for just one hour every week so we can get our smoke,” Hoggins told WWN in a public plea that echoed tens of thousands of cannabis users across the country.

The 34-year-old’s outcry comes into week 8 of covid-19 lockdown restrictions, which he claims has brought the rural drugs network of Ireland to a halt and left dependants strung out to fuck, not being able to sleep properly and dreaming like mentally deranged lunatics.

“I’ve scraped the corner of all my drawers, combed the sides of chairs for crumbs and I’ve even tried ringing lads from college I haven’t heard from in years, but still no joy,” he added, now crumbling in a bit of hairy green residue he found in his old weed tin and burning it into a homemade bong. “Ah fuck it anyway it’s after burning up already. I can barely even smelt it – this is torture lads and of course no one in the government is doing anything about it.

Taking to the streets in protest, weed dealers up and down the country called on politicians for a nationwide weed amnesty for the duration of the lockdown period, explaining that there are no covid payments being processed for cannabis distributors.

“Dealers been keepin’ de place chilled for de past 50 year an’ yet here we are being tossed aside like a piece of white dog shite,” one protesting dealer told WWN, holding a ‘Stop searching us you pigs!’ sign outside Leinster House this afternoon.

“Dey turned down me covid payment sayin’ that weed dealing isn’t a real job. Can you believe that, wha’? Now I’m expected ta live off a 200 odd qwid a week on de dowel like some poor feckin’ eejit and den de bleedin’ Taoiseach is off out gettin’ his chubby tits out in de feenix park  – dis country is gone ta de fuckin’ dogs, so tis”.

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