SPEAKING AT emergency press conference, the world’s historians called for urgent action as the year 2020 reached its maximum quota for historical events.
“You can see the simple formula we use to calculate permissible volumes of history,” explained historian Erica Schubert pointing to an intimidating graph, “we’re entirely full up for news, events, viral stories and unprecedented events worthy of history books and we’re only in May – we must act now”.
All dressed in brown jackets with elbow patches, Schubert and her colleagues at the Institute of Historical Happenings have called on world leaders to bring forward December 31st 2020 to tomorrow or to cancel 2020 outright to avert further unforeseen calamity and tragedy.
The HEL (Historical Event Limiter) was first introduced by scientists in 1945 as World War II’s historical footprint grew too great as a way to combat reaching an overwhelming volume of historical events. Sensing the problem for humanity in its ability to keep track of, and order history in an easily digestible format, world leaders agreed to end the conflict, saving all of the year’s history in the process and averting catastrophe.
“We came pretty close in 2016 to being full up on history when all those celebrities refused to stop dying, but this pandemic has used up all of 2020’s allotted events which can be consigned to the history books. It’s a critical juncture; the word count is simply too big, it’s a Y2K like event for data bases, educators, publishers and libraries,” concluded Schubert.