‘Orgies, Tripping Joggers, Human Sacrifices’: Phase One Of Lockdown Easing Explored

IRELAND is set to begin its exit from lockdown this Monday, with phase one of a five-phase journey to ‘normality’. Although the aspects of each exit phase is outlined on several government websites, leaflets, press releases, full-page newspaper ads, Taoiseach speeches and radio broadcasts, confusion still exists as to what we’re going to be allowed to do from Monday on.

But never fear, WWN are here with what Phase One really means for you and yours:

– The government has urged anyone who hasn’t been abiding by restrictions up to now to ‘at least act like it’s a new thing’ to be out and about.

– Each phase is optional. If you’re impatient to get to phase five, work away.

– ‘Phase one’ is code for ‘all out session’. Please remember you have missed Paddy’s Day and the May Bank Holiday weekend, as well as any subsequent birthday parties or sessions. You will need to get all of this out of your system, so starting on Monday you should think about getting drunk with as many people as you can. Orgies are okay, providing several members of government are invited.

– 4 people are now allowed to meet in public, which should bring a return of open brawling to our cities’ streets.

– It’s still encouraged to sneer at people wearing face masks, especially those wearing them while driving cars.

– People are still advised to wash their hands, but can reduce this to once a day. Sneezing should still be done into your elbow, but blasting snot-rockets on the footpath is now fine.

– More relaxed restrictions doesn’t mean you should relax your tutting; please maintain your levels of standing at the front window, tutting and shaking your head at people going past.

– Elderly people are advised to remain isolated for now, unless they really miss their grandkids. In this case, it’s fine to drive across the country for a visit and a hug and 97 jam sandwiches.

– Homeless people are being urged to stay off the streets, as the government have become accustomed to them not being there/counting them.

– Driving tests can resume using Gran Turismo 6.

– Workers are being advised to stay quiet if their employers are not adhering to safety in the workplace. Do you want a job or not?

– As shops re-open on Monday, expect larger than usual crowds. As such, get ready to plough in with your elbows up to ensure you get whatever you need, and fuck everyone else.