FEARS that the government may not have a valid plan for coping with Covid-19’s projected cost to the economy of €30 billion have been put to rest after Taoiseach Leo Varadkar assured the nation that they haven’t forgotten about it, and it’s right there on the door of the fridge in the Dáil canteen, ready to be paid at any minute.
“Relax, quit worrying, it’s right there on the fridge along with bills for the IMF and the UK and a few other people we owe money to that I’m not really allowed talk about” said Varadkar, dismissing allegations that the government may have no plans as to how to pay for the economic damage wreaked by the Coronavirus.
Minister for Finance Paschal Donohoe chimed in with some cost-cutting measures that he claims will make ‘decent’ savings for the exchequer, meaning everyone from the out-of-work sole traders to the business people who are renting private hospital beds to the government will be paid.
“Do we need Spotify Premium, really?” asked Donohoe, showing the press his savings tips on a copybook page, pinned to the Dáil fridge using a vintage Anglo Irish fridge magnet.
“Cancel Sky Sports, there’s fuck all on it these days. Only one takeaway a week. That’s a saving of at least 80 quid a month right there. We’ll be fine, there’s no chance we’ll just hit the austerity button and ask the poorest in society, young people, and the health sector to take the brunt of the bill again’.
Varadkar also added that he made space on the fridge by removing a picture drawn by one of Micheál Martin’s kids showing him as Taoiseach, stating that ‘there’s no need for that to be there just yet’.