UK Continues To Be Much-Needed Source Of Worse News Than Your Country


PLAUDITS are continuing to pour into the UK from nations around the world, with governments thanking Boris and the Tories for providing a reliable source of Coronavirus statistics and strategies that make their own seem ‘not so bad’.

“We were really looking bad there for a minute” said Italian Prime Minister Giuseppe Conte, as the UK’s figures for both confirmed cases and deaths passed Italy’s with ease this weekend.

“And although every case of Coronavirus and every death is a regrettable tragedy that we wouldn’t wish on anyone in the world, nobody wants to be the ‘worst in class’, now do they?”

Outside of the UK’s raw figures, which are greatly helping citizens around the globe to convince themselves that their own country ‘isn’t doing too bad’, the Tory plan for ‘re-opening the country’ has given an unexpected shine to similar plans in neighbouring nations.

“There was growing concerns that our plans looked a bit half-baked and ridiculous, and we were beginning to think that our citizens were about to demand answers and hold us accountable for slip-ups we had made along the way” said a spokesperson for FG TD and possibly Taoiseach Leo Varadkar.

“But then the public just turn on their TV or pick up a paper and see what’s going on across the water and we look like some sort of, I dunno, amazing government or something. It’s like we can’t do anything wrong, compared to the stormer of a shitshow that Boris and his lot are orchestrating and I’ll be honest, it’s a huge weight off all our shoulders here in Leinster House”.

Meanwhile, British citizens in fear of what comes next are thanking the USA, with ‘at least we’re not the Yanks’ being a real comfort in these hard times.