Dublin Not Worth Visiting Now Bewley’s Gone, Confirm Sad Culchies

STRESSING that they were never keen going up or down to Dublin in the first place, the news of the closure of Bewley’s Cafe on Grafton Street and the loss of 110 jobs has removed the last, preciously tolerable part of Dublin, culchies have confirmed.

“Ah shite, that cesspit of stress, rudeness and Notions Olympics was only manageable with a trip to Belwey’s,” shared every Irish person to ever grace the capital, before going on to shares memories of the Irish institution.

“Oh good God I used to hate, hate, hate Mam dragging me and my sisters across Dublin just to go there for a tea,” shared one woman of one of her fondest memories even if it did include ‘that godforsaken den of sin, Dublin’.

“At a push, you could go to one of the 900 other cafes in the area, but there was something special about Bewley’s. It was almost worth paying a fiver for a scone, just so you could say you were in Bewley’s when you went back home. ‘I went to Insomnia’ just didn’t have the same panache to it”.

In a bid to mark the sad end of Bewley’s Cafe, the nation will gather in its kitchen at lunchtime today dressed in their Sunday best to drink tea using the ‘good china’ while also eating a posh sandwich with no crusts before throwing a tenner in the bin.

Meanwhile, experts believe the owner of the building, Ireland’s Most Punchable Face winner 20 years running, Johnny Ronan, will be working around the clock to up the €1.5 million rent on the site while also figuring out how to get rid of that annoying ‘protected structure’ status the building acquired so it can be completely gutted, presumably with the help of NAMA and some politicians.