All The Emergency Leaving Cert Plans In Full

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UNCERTAINTY surrounding the Leaving Cert examinations remains, making an already stressful time for students and their parents even harder. WWN has used a Freedom of Information request to obtain all alternative proposals to traditional Leaving Cert exams currently under consideration by Minister for Education Joe McHugh in light of Covid-19, the contents of which should go some way to increasing stress levels tenfold:

The government has vowed to ease students stress and uncertainty by committing to issuing even more confusing, vague and contradictory information and updates.

Only one student per school will be allowed sit exam on a rotation system and will take 14 months to complete.

Those students who have already bought their supply of ampethamines meant to help enhance their last minute study binge will be allowed to recoup their money as part of a drug buy-back programme organised by the Dept. of Education.

Students will be allowed to quarantine for two weeks in Tenerife as part of a ‘sixth year holiday’ which is now a right of passage protected under the Irish constitution.

Under the ‘predictive mark’ plans, students will have their grades decided by that one prick of a teacher who hates his profession and mainly disappears for smoke breaks mid-lesson.

Leaving Cert 2020 will coincide with TD holidays to guarantee great weather. This year’s Geography exam will just consist of a map of all the countries students should emigrate to now the country’s fucked again.

Students caught cheating will be immediately offered roles in government. Students caught chewing pens will be exterminated.

In the age of social distancing and quarantining, parents robbed of a chance to boast about their children’s results like it was their own personal achievement will be able to avail of a government scheme which lets the Air Corp sky write their child’s results over the locality. Parents will be asked to clap repeatedly for brave students while they sit exams and can light a virtual candle online at their local parish website at a cost of 99 euros.

Even if the exams are cancelled outright, English exam setters have confirmed the poet you didn’t study will still somehow come up.

Newborn children have been warned that yes, the Pandemic will come up in the 2038 Leaving Cert exams.

A special ’10 favourite albums’ exam paper will have to be taken by music students, with no explanation given.

After extensive negotiations, the Dept. of Education has confirmed that Peig Sayers has promised to still haunt the dreams of former Leaving Cert students even if this year’s exams don’t go ahead.

If exams have to take place with students separated from one another ‘exam condition’ sounds will pumped into rooms and include loud chewing, an invigilator playing videos loudly on their phones and some prick saying ‘psst, what’s the answer to number 4?’ for 2 hours straight.

Worryingly no plan is in place to help deal with affected adults who won’t be able to polish off their ‘don’t worry I failed/passed but look at me today’ social media posts if exams are cancelled entirely.

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