US PRESIDENTIAL candidate Joe Biden has enhanced his election chances and passed a key ‘suitability for presidential office’ test for many US voters after becoming subject to a credible accusation of sexual assault, paving the way for a massive surge in the polls.
Many voters and staunch critics of Biden, who could never forgive his support for the Iraq War, have suddenly warmed to the idea of him being president, on account of their passionate hate for anyone speaking out about sexual assault at the hands of a powerful man.
“Just look at Donald or Bill before him, nothing says ‘presidential’ like a sexual assault accusation. Joe can look forward to increased support from a number of rabid and unhinged supporters now. He has hit the jackpot as nothing brings American into your camp quite like a victim bravely speaking up against a multi-millionaire and his vast team of lawyers,” explained one election strategist.
The allegations made by a former Biden staffer now enter the ‘cycle of allegations’ phase, whereby it devolves into a he-says-she-says Brett Kavanaugh style hearing with both sets of supporters so delighted to have such glorious unfiltered rage to tap into, the alleged victim, what’s-her-name, is just ignored and used as a political pawn.
Despite the welcome turn of events for Biden, some voters are harder to convince than others.
“He ain’t president material. Why, just look it at this here harmless hankying of the pankying, President Trump would have already started calling that lying bitch a fat pile of flesh not worth a groping. Biden’s too quiet on these important issues for my liking,” explained voter, Pastor Raymore Williams.