Waterford Woman Had No Idea She Was Married To Such A Tosser

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WIFE-Of-ONE Melissa Helton is having a long, hard think about her marriage this week, after 6 weeks of Coronavirus-imposed lockdown has ‘opened her eyes’ about how much of a bell-end her husband Alan is.

Mrs. Helton wept openly as she discussed the endless Zoom meetings her husband holds with his IT co-workers, in which he was heard using the phrases ‘blue sky waterfalls’ and ‘taking that offline to kick it around the tennis court a bit’.

Although Alan has been a good provider throughout their 10 year marriage, Melissa is unsure how much more of this office-speak bullshit and open-mouthed snacking she can be expected to take before heading straight to the divorce courts.

“I suppose this is what they meant and when they said for better or worse” sighed Mrs. Helton as her husband rewarded himself for one hour of work with two hours of PlayStation.

“I always thought my husband was a wonderful human being but it turns out he’s a total fucking tosser who laughs about people getting laid off and thinks he’s God’s gift to whatever the fuck it is he does. In a way I thank the virus for giving me another 12 hours with him every day so that I can really see just exactly who it was I was married to… well, for now at least”.

Mr. Helton was unavailable for comment as he was ‘totally crushing it’ at work.

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