Pubs To Charge Entry Fees, And Other Stuff We’ve Just Made Up

THIS just in: A number of extra fees and charges are to be implemented by publicans when the restrictions surrounding Covid-19 are lifted, according to a report we’ve just written and published on the internet.

These measures are aimed at making up lost revenue, probably, and include:

• A flat entry fee, not unlike that into a nightclub. This will effectively kill the pub crawl.
• Johnnies from the Johnny machine will go up to 24 euro for a pack of two. Coins accepted only.
• Bacon Fries face 700% cost increases.
• Pints will go up by a euro apiece. This isn’t one of ours, this is something we saw reported as news yesterday, later refuted by the Taoiseach. Regardless, we’re reporting it as news.
• Pubs will re-open next week for one day a week, then close again until November where they will re-open for a week. This will go on until they’re fully re-opened in 2023. This is fact, we saw it on Whatsapp.
• Children will be allowed in the pub until whatever time they want, as long as they’re drinking.
• Off licences are to be closed for one month to allow pubs to ‘catch up’.
• Spirits are to be sold in double portions only in a bid to ‘ramp up’ how much money people spend.
• Special ‘no sipping’ rules are to be brought in, to increase turnaround. Drink it, buy another, drink it, fuck off.
• Ice is a fiver.
• Sky Sports is to be replaced with a Windows 95 screensaver.More to follow, as we make them up.