Micheál Martin Sneaks Into Empty Dáil & Pretends To Be Taoiseach For A While


“NOT long now ’til the real deal,” giggled Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin, during his early morning sneak into the Dáil chamber where he has been pretending to be the leader of the country since the Coronavirus crisis shut down normal government proceedings.

With acting Taoiseach Leo Varadkar and his frontline team kept on their toes with the constantly shifting situation arising from the Covid-19, Martin allows himself a ‘little Micheál time’ every morning to enact imaginary yet hugely popular measures that will fix everything from housing to health, while making a ‘ccchhhhhhhh’ noise to signify applause after everything he says.

With FF and FG close to entering a power-sharing government which would allow Martin ‘the first go’ at being a rotating Taoiseach along with Mr. Varadkar, these early morning sessions could become reality sooner rather than later.

“We’re working out the kinks; like should our stationary be FFFG or FGFF?” said the Cork TD, at a press conference held and attended by himself in the Dáil bathroom.

“All we need is some other few souls to help us make up the numbers; the Greens, or Labour, we’re working out who we like the least so we can get them to join us and take the heat when it’s all said and done. But other than that, yeah, phew. It was looking like I was going to be the first FF leader never to be Taoiseach, so even though this is ‘Diet Taoiseach-ing’, it’ll help me sleep at night knowing I didn’t let Charlie, Bertie and the rest down”.

Meanwhile, Leo Varadkar has stated that he’s fucking delighted’ at the prospect of handing over the reins of Taoiseach for a while, adding that Mr. Martin is ‘welcome to it’ for at least a year, or 18 months.