The HSE’s Guide On How To Get Your Fuck On During Covid-19


LABELED as a ‘real smack in the face’ to single people who haven’t got the ride in donkeys years, the HSE have issued essential sex advice and information to the fuckers and fuckees of Ireland, discussing the best sex related hygiene practices and general dos and don’t during these pandemic lockdown times.

While singletons who couldn’t even get a ride in a horny mickey factory have asked “am I a joke to you?” and pleaded with the HSE not to add insult to injury, those in Ireland who are contemplating sexy fun times are being asked to heed the following advice:

All orgies must practice social distancing and therefore must only take place on Zoom, Skype or Houseparty.

Only be sexually active with someone you live with, the HSE knows this will be tough on the nation’s cheating bastards but we all have to make sacrifices during this pandemic.

The ‘Only be sexually active with someone you live with’ advice will come as a surprise to families in Cavan who thought this was always the case.

Glory holes in public toilets must be sanitised before and after each use. Glory holes newly installed at home must also follow similar hygiene routines.

Peeping toms are asked to keep their prying eyes and binoculars a social distant 2 kilometres from those they’re spying on.

Those who have a doctor/nurse and patient fetish are being asked to wash and then donate all costumes and face masks to the HSE for use on the frontlines.

All sexual activity must be conducted only by people who first place their entire bodies inside giant human-sized condoms.

Sheep are being advised to remain at least two metres away from lonely bachelor farmers at all times. This advice stands for during non-pandemic times also.

Swingers are asked to use anti-bacterial wipes on all set of car keys in bowls and then use separate wipes on sexual partners.

Anyone who is turned on by coughing is asked not to look so smug or aroused.

It is recommended those wanting to feel the tender touch of another should sit on their hands until they go numb so it then feels like someone else is repeatedly washing their hands throughout the day.

Single men are asked to stop bulk buying socks to wank into. Panic buying helps no one and there is enough wanking sock supplies to last the nation for several months. However, bulk buying batteries for your vibrator is advised.

Single people – delete Tinder, you’re only torturing yourself. Married men – slyly delete Grindr while the wife isn’t looking.

“Oh, a Chinese lad can eat bat-fucking-soup but I can’t wank in a bush?” is not a valid defence and will not hold up in court. Stay at home.