Local Introverts Celebrate Cancelled Events

QUIETLY whisper-shouting a celebratory ‘yes’ to themselves under their breath, the world’s introverts, along with those who suffer from varying degrees of social anxiety, are delighting in the havoc being wreaked by Covid-19 on social gatherings both big and small.

“Oh God, this is better than sex,” confirmed one introvert as she poured over the list of public events forced to cancel in a bid to limit and delay the spread of Covid-19.

Crossing out all manner of social engagements from their personal calendars introverts have been spared attending house parties, coffee catch ups, concerts, networking events, funerals and other gatherings which require constant interaction and conversation.

“I’ve been self-isolating most of my life so to be honest, none of this is particularly inconvenient to me,” added another introvert who was looking forward to the break down of everyday life which would allow him to see and hear from no one for weeks, possibly months.

Caution surrounding public gatherings over Covid-19 has resulted in an almost 100% reduction in introverts having to torture themselves with anxious considerations over ‘how early is too early to arrive’, ‘oh God what if John is there’, ‘okay, memorise ten ice breakers and topics for conversation’ and ‘come up with a far too elaborate and needless excuse for why you’re going home’.

“Oh no, don’t cancel your baby’s gender reveal party, I was really looking forward to being locked in a room with people for hours of excruciating awkward small talk that I’d then replay in my head for days and overthink,” mocked another introvert.