Here’s An Overly Dramatic Account Of The Ongoing Stock Market Massacre

IF you think the Coronavirus is frightening, you haven’t seen anything yet; this week, the stock market took a knife to the throat in what some investors are calling ‘Money’s 9/11’, WWN can report.

From the opening of business, shares in companies were literally snatched from their beds in the middle of the night by fully erect masked men, who forced them at gunpoint to hand over the family jewels before callously putting a bullet in the back of their heads while their screaming wife and kids looked on helplessly.

With an oil price war breaking out between the Saudis and the Russians, the DOW Jones suffered a brutal kneecapping, with one insider telling us that ‘it’s like the elevator doors opening in The Shining mixed with Murphy getting gunned down at the start of Robocop’, and there are signs that it could all get much, much worse.

Another senior broker told us that the coming days could be the financial equivalent of that airport level in Call Of Duty 2, or the model RC plane mission in GTA San Andreas, but even more annoyingly awful.

However, this reporter saw a group of really rich people looking, well, they looked quite calm actually. Some even seemed happy with the current market trends.

“This awful news for you eejits that don’t understand the markets, I suppose,” one US trader told WWN, who was pricing a new beach house in Malibu after selling all his oil stocks in favour of hand sanitiser stocks, “bottom line here is: money is the dinosaurs, and the oil price war and Coronavirus are the motherfucking asteroid.

“Buckle up, bitches. This could get messy”.