IT’S all anyone is talking about, it’s all anyone seems to have the ability to talk about but if anyone can guide us back to mindless talking about non-coronavirus related matters, surely it’s the experts dragging the arse out of minor gossip and news; the Irish.
Are you teetering on the precipice of the edge of the cliff of your sanity, forced to endure every mundane off the cuff remark, theory and suggested course of action about Covid-19 from dullard coworkers, simple-minded neighbours and idiotic beloved loved ones?
Here’s how we guide you and all those you know back to normal, mind-numbingly boring topics of conversation that you never thought you’d miss so much and vow to never again take for granted.
1) The weather
The Irish classic; rain, wind, sleet, sun whatever else you’re having. You thought you were sick to your teeth of Liam in accounts sarcastically remarking ‘suppose this all climate change’s fault, then is it?’ at any adverse conditions. All is forgiven Liam, we need your weather-based input and an end to the ‘well, I heard Coronavirus is actually a hoax’ bollocks you’re coming out with now.
2) “The youngest one, now he is a bit ‘off'”
C’mon, step away from the CoronaTalk, and into the comforting arms of something else all ignorant fools have an opinion on; children who they can speculate about being ‘on the spectrum’.
3) “Margaret’s new hairdo can only mean one thing; she’s having an affair”
Good for Margaret! Get! That! Dick! Normally you’re not one for casting aspersions on someone and their marriage, but the CoronaChinWag must stop and in fairness who does Margaret think she’s fooling, no one changes their hairstyle without good, affair-having reasons.
4) “He hasn’t been the same since the accident”
Surely you, or someone you know, can slip this benign topic into conversation and navigate people away from CoronaChat to more tolerable content like harmlessly speculating on the health of yer man down the road who chopped off his penis in a food blender or some such similar tragedy.
Respite from nonstop CoronaTalk is essential for people’s wellbeing when once friends, family and coworkers would openly shout someone down and say ‘I don’t give a fuck about your new boyfriend/girlfriend’ or ‘shut up about your kids’, they will now welcome impossibly inane subjects of conversation.
Grab hold of the person nearest to you and demand they tell you in detail about how they chose the name ‘Evian’ for their kid, even though they aren’t fucking French.
No, Dave, come back, of course we want to hear about how you adjusted the volume levels on your new earphones, but can you stretch the story out for 40 excruciating minutes?