All Other News Suspended Over Coronavirus


THE National Union of Journalists in conjunction with the Associated Press have today announced a global suspension of all news and media that does not refer to the Covid-19 virus with immediate effect in a bid to protect other news from contamination, WWN can confirm.

News stories ranging from natural disasters to cute fluff pieces about animals being rescued from frozen lakes are to be kept in newspaper draft folders for the next four weeks in the hopes that they may be published at a time when the coronavirus has subsided.

“We cannot risk having these news stories infected by Covid-19; even a mention of the virus is enough to ruin an entire, unrelated news story,” said a spokesman for the Associated Press.

Journalists and reporters based all over the world have been urged to return home to their countries of origin to begin reporting about the Covid-19 virus and to drop whatever news item they were investigating.

“Famines in Yemen, war in Syria, migrants in Turkey desperately fleeing will all have to wait,” Mark Rogers, a Middle Eastern correspondent for Sky News told this reporter after arriving home to London this morning, “I’m sure not much will change in four weeks anyway – my country needs me here to cover every single aspect of the coronavirus so people at home are kept in a heightened sense of anxiety”.

Meanwhile at home, students attending a school in Dublin which is to be closed for two weeks over it was confirmed a pupil was diagnosed with the Covid-19 coronavirus are said to be absolutely devastated and vow to battle the Coronavirus with a fortnight of masturbating at home.