Are You Panicking About Covid-19 Enough? Follow Our Guide

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ARE YOU ONE of those unfathomably stupid idiots who’s making sure to only listen to trusted experts and health officials? Are you only consulting government health department advice, instead of drowning in a deluge of rumour, exaggeration and falsehoods?

Well then, you’re just the sort of mentally deficient cabbage that could do with upping your panic game. This is Covid-19 we’re talking about, don’t you know that if a butterfly sneezes 10,000 miles away your rectum can explode without warning, you uttering fucking fuckwit.

Okay, time to wise up and start panicking like a normal, responsible adult that knows what’s what. Take the following advice:

First, drive a JCB through your local supermarket and take everything. Do everything you need to survive; is that a pensioner over there just politely placing her hands on the last pint of milk? Time to introduce her to your fists of fury. If she coughs on your hands, then we’re sorry but take that samurai sword you should have already bought and chop off both your fists.

Go to your local pharmacy and buy everything. Yes, even items that in no way relate to combating a flu. You might not need half a tonne of Durex lube now, but what if that’s what the Coronavirus wants you to think?

Now take all 47,578 face masks you purchased and glue them together and drape them over your house. Drink 8 litres of hand sanitiser to disinfect your internal organs. Kidnap a GP so you have 24/7 round the clock medical care.

If we haven’t mentioned it at this point you should just be screaming constantly to aid the panic. It seems insulting to have to ask but we presume you’ve already killed your elderly relatives to put them out of their misery?

Keep up to date: open hundreds of tabs on your web browser and scan through websites with serious sounding names like wereallgoingtodie.com, coronahub.com, whattheyrenottellingyou.ie and conspiracynews.pork.

Now let the glorious panic wash over your body once more. Carry a fuel canister and matches with you at all times, burn your clothes if they were exposed to the outside air. Did you come into contact with any human in the last entire existence of your life? Douse them in fuel and burn them too. There’s no time for rational thinking.

Shower in bleach. Yes, it burns, but what’s the alternative? Listening to experts giving you practical advice?

We mentioned the bubble suit already, right? Shit, sorry, okay you need to be living in a bubble suit like as of two weeks ago.

Are you coughing now? Oh God, the worst has happened. Now, those so-called ‘experts’ will say you should self-isolate but you’re not going down without a fight, get out there and start coughing on loved ones, why should you have to suffer alone.