“Here’s Leo”


WITH all the elegance and grace of a paraplegic sloth on quaaludes, Taoiseach Leo Varadkar awoke from his post election slumber to tear down the door of the electorate’s consciousness in the hopes of forming some kind of government that no one particularly wants.

“Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in. Not by the hair of your chiny-chin-chin? Well then I’ll huff and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house in,” taunted Varadkar, before hacking at the door with a Fianna Fáil hatchet as 80% of the electorate desperately tried to squeeze through a tiny window, which was only suitable for smaller parties who were waiting outside in the freezing cold.

The Irish nation screamed in horror as a manic Varadkar continued to hack through the door. “Here’s Leo!” the current standing Taoiseach bellowed as he shoved his large bulging face through the broken door panel, before attempting to reach in and open it with his timid little hand.

Somehow freeing itself momentarily from his clutches the electorate made its escape on a tricycle as Varadkar gave chase while politely offering “look, I’ll only kill the poor ones, I won’t make too much of a mess, promise”.

Now turning a corner around hideously decorated hallways the electorate found its path to escape blocked by two identical twins.

“Hello Ireland, come play with Leo and Micheál. Forever, and ever, and ever, and ever,” the identically dressed twins commanded.

“Ah, balls,” the nation exclaimed, before reluctantly accepting its fate.