Ireland To Be Renamed The USS De Valera


THE Republic Of Ireland is to be officially renamed as a vessel in the United States Navy, after spending years as a stop-over for US Aircraft on their way to bomb the crap out of whatever Middle Eastern country they were pissed off with at the time.

Despite Ireland being a completely neutral nation, the United States was granted access to the county Clare airport since the September 11th attacks, with Shannon quickly becoming known by US Forces as ‘that place we can stop and get Supermacs on our way to liberate the world’.

Given that the entire island of Ireland has basically acted as a mid-Atlantic aircraft carrier for decades, it will be re-named as part of their fleet ahead of the upcoming skirmish with Iran, and has been named the USS de Valera, after the US-born former Taoiseach and president of Ireland who declared neutrality in the event of war, Éamon de Valera.

“As a country, Ireland’s neutrality is a little, eh…” said Taoiseach Leo Varadkar, making the hand gesture for ‘so-so’.

“But as a vessel, we can remain completely neutral. A boat doesn’t take sides in a war, you see. A gun doesn’t actually shoot someone. It’s whoever is operating it, that has full responsibility for whatever happens. By remaining as the Republic Of Ireland, yeah, sure, we probably should put a stop to the use of Shannon for warplanes. But as the USS de Valera, we can just turn a blind eye to where the US is going, who they’re killing, who they’re taking back to the US to torture, all that craic. We’re just a boat baby, we’re just a boat”.

The USS de Valera will be launched on ST Patrick’s Day this year, with a massive bottle of champagne set to be smashed against the side of the Cliffs of Moher.