Opinion: Slimmer People Should Pay Less Rent

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WITH ‘co-living’ set to become the answer to Ireland’s supply-starved rental market, should everyone pay the same amount for a shared living space if there are certain people, and we’re not talking about Andrew now, but certain people who are way, way bigger than the rest of us?

As developers seek permission to build ‘shared space living centers’ consisting of multiple dorm-style studio apartments with a communal cooking area and living areas to shared with up to 42 other people, a radical idea is gaining traction.

Many people believe occupants should be charged for accommodation based on how much actual space they take up rather than a flat fee for everyone even if they’re carrying a little more weight than the rest of us, and that’s not a dig at you Andrew, okay, you’re a cool dude, but seriously, there’s 42 of us sharing this kitchen and you’re kinda hogging twice the space of Derek over there. Explain to us how that’s fair?

There’s an argument to be made that just because someone is overweight doesn’t mean they have the resources to pay a premium for their living quarters, but to be honest that’s their problem. We’ve been searching for a place to stay for 18 months and it’s you or us, Andrew, sorry man, but we’ve got our lives to think about. You’re a nice guy, really, but we need a place to stay.

Should the notion of BMI-based rental fluctuation take hold, there are fears that this could lead to existing landlords adopting the process for their own apartments and house-shares. Why get €2,600 a month from a room where two people share a double bed when you could get three really skinny people and charge €3,900 for the same space?

It’s only a matter of time before landlords realise that there’s extra money to be made from this. Where do you want to be when that happens?

Us, we’re going to be on the the winning side. The side where we weigh 9 stone and we’re the ideal choice for available accommodation because we’re too weak from iron deficiencies to cause much fuss, and we don’t place any undue strain on stairs, mattresses, furniture, or floor coverings. We’re so ready for these co-sharing apartments. We haven’t eaten in days.

If you’re a landlord or the property manager of a co-sharing space, please, consider us. We’re willing to give you lists of names of fat bastards who’ll only wreck you place. We’ll be good, we swear. Look at us. We’re not the size of one of Andrew’s legs. Sorry Andrew, really we are. I know we were friends but we need this apartment and there’s no room for buddies in the rental jungle. It’s every person for themselves. Go cheer yourself up with a kebab in your parent’s house.

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