5 Things We Learned From May’s Talks With Corbyn


DEPENDING on who you speak to the sight of Theresa May reaching out to Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn is either the first official day of the new Stalinist Republic of Great Britain or the first flutter of hope that Brexit could be just your normal, average everyday economic disaster and not anything worse than that.

The clandestine talks between the two leaders have been condemned by hardliners within both the Conservatives and Labour, but just what did May and Corbyn talk about?

Here’s what we’ve learned so far about their ongoing talks:

1) May arrived to the meeting dressed in a suit entirely made out of The Sun front pages featuring pieces on Jeremy Corbyn. A power play which didn’t unsettle the Labour leader as he straight out asked the PM if talks with him were simply part of a plot to force dissenting Tories to support her existing Withdrawal Agreement deal or face a Custom Union compromise endorsed by Corbyn.

“Have you not being paying attention at all for the last two years? Do you really think I’d be capable of anything as sophisticated as that?” replied May. She went on to deny starting the water leak in the House of Commons while holding a wrench behind her back.

2) Both leaders endlessly praised one another for being very leaderly and choosing now, days after the original Brexit Day deadline of March 29th and days before the new deadline of the 12th of April to finally try to work together in earnest for a compromise. After each new sensible proposal was put forward, a member of the public was invited into the room to shout ‘why didn’t you do something like this earlier you fucking bellend?’ at May.

May and Corbyn then identified the most extreme, incompetent and unhelpful elements of their respective parties, and once they were whittled down they were made part of the official negotiating teams.

3) There was a brief moment of levity as May asked Corbyn if the Daily Mail’s claims that Corbyn can produce ‘witches milk’ with his nipples were true.

Corbyn doubled over with laughter and said he was about to ask the same thing of May after recently reading a piece in the Guardian which claimed the same of May. However, this truce didn’t last long after the two got into a heated debate about who was better at failing to battle xenophobia in their parties.

4) May and Corbyn agreed that were they to reach an agreement and ask the EU for an extension to the April 12th Brexit deadline, they would both categorically rule in the possibility of fucking it all up and ending back at square one, asking for yet another extension.

5) All future shooting practice by the Parachute Regiment will use pictures of Boris Johnson. This was brought up and offered by May without a request from Corbyn.

Things not discussed at the meeting included; British people, the Irish border, a second referendum, how they both have the same recurring nightmare about Jacob Rees Mogg smiling, important things actually related to Brexit and the dreadful weather.