Returning TDs Have New Trousers Ruined Already

SEVERAL Dáil members are in big, big trouble when they get home this evening, having already knocked the knees out of their new term clothes just one day back in Leinster House after returning from the Christmas holidays.

Dressed in clothes that went up clean on them this morning, politicians from all sides of the Dáil were quick to ruin their shoes with scuff marks after a bout of kicking problems such as homelessness down the road, before wearing the knees out of brand new trousers while grovelling on the ground in front of a delegate from the ECB.

Taoiseach Leo Varadkar and Fianna Fáil’s Michael Martin ruined their lovely new suits by rubbing elbows together, and Minister For Health Simon Harris left Leinster House ‘filthy’ after hiding under his desk all day in a bid to avoid questions about the HSE.

“Those clothes were supposed to look sharp all year round, yet they couldn’t get a days wear out of them,” said a spokesperson for the TDs Parents Association.

“Can you imagine the look on the faces of the parents of that Fine Gael lot when they get home tonight, after they’ve spent the whole day flinging shit at Sinn Féin. And as for the Shinners, well, there’ll be troubles galore when their mothers see the patches on their new clothes, covering up a load of things they don’t want shown.

“Of course, the Shinners will claim they have no knowledge of how any of it happened”.

An estimated 157 of the 158 TDs have some explaining to do when they get home, with only Michael Lowry somehow emerging squeaky clean as usual.