5 Essential Foods Britons Should Stockpile To Celebrate Brexit Deal


AS THE HOUSE of Commons in Britain busies itself with debating the best way to reject a withdrawal deal agreed upon with the EU by PM Theresa May, many proud Leave voting Britons may be wondering how best to celebrate a triumphant No Deal deal.

Can there be a better way to celebrate such a thing than by frantically stockpiling essential foodstuffs that will be impossible to get once Britain exits the EU on March 29th, 2019?

Forget medicine, it’s all already gone, other ‘Blessed Brexit Day’ preppers have already bought it all ahead of March 29th and stored them in their Customs Union and Single Market proof bunkers. But if you hurry, there may be time to get some precious food.

1) Tinned Gammon

Tins of pork leg meat will give you all the essential nutrients that can fuel the part of your brain which says ‘yes, this is what I voted for’ as the barren wasteland full of burnt out red buses once scrawled across with promises expands across the horizon.

2) Dust

Although currently not recognised as a food stuff, dust will be reclassified as a nutritional food item by future Secretary of Brexit Victory and Prosperity Sir Nigel Farage.

Get it while you still can, run a finger along a bookshelf and place the contents in a jar and store for safe keeping.

3) The youngest and/or weakest in your family

Human flesh cooks at about the same temperature as your average steak. “Gah, remember steak?” you’ll say as you tuck into a braised leg of George, remember George, your son? He would have loved Brexit just as much as you if you hadn’t had to eat him.

There are no 4th and 5th options but look, by now you should be used to being promised something by someone giving off a vague air of authority only for them to disappoint you and reveal themselves to be nothing more than lying charlatans.