Drogheda Tourism Board Quits

CLOSING the glass front door on the town’s only information centre, staff from Drogheda’s tourism office said one last goodbye to their place of work as they locked the shop’s entrance for the foreseeable future.

“People often asked why we even had a tourist office in the first place,” former staff member Gerard Connolly told WWN, flinching to the sound of yet another pipe bomb in the distance which was presumably detonated by a drug gang, “but I always said it’s not the place, but the people that make the town, and tourist’s need to feel in some way welcome to Drogheda when passing burning cars on the street, and more importantly – somewhere to hide”.

In what now resembled a street in Eastern Aleppo, Red Cross workers ushered the remaining staff members across West Street to an awaiting armoured van, just as a bullet whistled by and shattered the tourist office’s front door.

“It was good while it lasted,” a tourist board member reminisced while looking out the back window of the fleeing van, “Jesus, they’re already looting the place… there goes my old PC… ah no, they’ve already turned it into a crack den… shame”.

The latest evacuation comes after a spate of violent incidents broke out among organised crime gangs in the east coast town, which currently acts as a drug superhighway connecting Dublin and Northern Ireland.

“We’re hoping they’ll just kill each other off,” a Garda source told WWN, who was hiding behind a wall holding a baton, “because we sure don’t have the funding or manpower to deal with these crazy fuckers, they’ve even got real guns too!”