Government Issue Free Balaclavas To Landlords Of Vacant Properties


IN THE WAKE of an occupation by protesters of a vacant building on North Frederick Street in Dublin City and their subsequent ejection by masked men, the Government has rushed through emergency legislation which will see all faceless landlords of long vacant properties issued with balaclavas.

It is thought the balaclavas can be used by landlords when hiring big burly men to reclaim their properties by force, saving them from the risk of showing their face for fear they could be identified and held accountable for their actions.

“The last thing we want to see happen is there to be some sort of accountability for landlords sitting on idle properties during a massive housing shortage,” explained an official from Department of No Housing, “the balaclava really allows the average landlord of a vacant property to do whatever it is they do without fear of us intervening with some common sense”.

The government has also announced an amnesty for groups of men in balaclavas driving around Ireland in vans with no number plates or motor tax. The plan has been criticised by some however, as the price of sending balaclavas to US based, tax exempt vulture funds in post could be costly.

Gardaí, who admitted to having more important things to do, were called in to assist in securing the property and several people were arrested after it was revealed they were brandishing ‘loud voices’ and displayed an intent to ‘endanger the Government’s image of Ireland as a country with a booming, consequence-free economy’.

The protesters, described by the Communications Unit as ‘scum’ and ‘clearly not Fine Gael voters’ had been attempting to occupy a building in what onlookers labeled something ‘very unbecoming’ and ‘not something normal, decent Irish people who stick their heads in the sand would do’.