Local Woman Entering ‘Little Tartan Trolley’ Phase Of Life


WATERFORD woman Claire Looney is today taking stock of her life, after a pivotal road-to-Damascus moment in town earlier this morning when, laden down with groceries, she thought to herself ‘I must get myself one of those little tartan wheelie lads’.

Looney, 55, had been doing her mid-week shop, not her big shop now, when her mind began to drift towards a solution to carrying her messages, her purse, her phone, and any other accoutrements without the need to buy a ‘bag for life’, which would inevitably get lost in the press full of bags, never to be seen again.

“I thought to myself, what if I had a little suitcase, like when I’m going on holidays” sighed Looney, who started listening to the deaths on the radio a few weeks back, first as a matter of habit, then as a matter of actual life and death.

“With a handle, so you just pulled it behind yourself, put your stuff in it, and that way you didn’t have to actually carry a bag of spuds and 3 litres of milk around with you. And then it hit me; I was thinking about how handy it would be to have a granny cart. A fucking granny cart. That’s it lads. That’s me fucked”.

Since that fateful moment, Looney has found herself searching the internet for what will be an inevitable purchase, having resigned herself to the fact that she is shifting into the ‘tartan trolley’ phase of her life.

“They’re surprisingly hard to find” mused Looney, who can feel a draft coming from somewhere.

“I’m not even sure what the fuck they’re called. Nothing comes up when I Google ‘sad old woman basket thing on wheels'”.