Local Grandmother Heartbroken After Grandkids Start At Educate Together


WATERFORD harridan Deirdre Malley has spent the morning in floods of tears as she attempted to come to terms with her son’s decision to send his kids to a local Educate Together, instead of a “normal Catholic national school”.

Malley, 78, had managed to hold it together with the absolute minimum amount of passive aggressiveness throughout the summer after her son David and his sly, trouble-making protestant wife, initially told her that they would be sending their twin girls to Knockamassan Educate Together, believing that they would come to their senses and send the kids to St. Colmfearshagh of the Bleeding Aorta NS, which they were in the catchment area for and where ‘there were places readily available for fuck sake’.

However, Mrs. Malley was inconsolable this morning as pictures of her uniform-less granddaughters standing at the gates of the Educate Together surrounded by ‘all sorts of children’ arrived to her mobile phone, and the reality dawned on her that her family now contained children which would never see the gates of heaven.

“It doesn’t even look like a school, it looks like a clinic you’d go to if you wanted your breasts checked if you could afford to go private,” sobbed Mrs. Malley, writing her son out of her will.

“A school shouldn’t look like that. A school should have pebbledash, and look like the kind of place you’d go to learn a devastating truth about your family. This ‘Educate Together’ place has signs up in multiple languages! It has murals on the walls of kids, and they’re not even all white! It doesn’t even have a water tower that smells like dead birds!”

“What sort of education are my grandkids going to get at all, eh? They won’t even be getting Holy Communion! This is David thinking that that his children won’t have an oppressive, iron-rod Catholic presence in his kids’ lives, constantly berating them for being filthy sinners in the eyes of the lord, teaching them right from wrong by terrifying them into conforming… well, he’s got another thing coming. I’m still alive, aren’t I?”

Malley is now determined to spend the rest of the day thinking up ways to belittle her grandkids achievements at school and dismiss them with tuts and harrumphs whenever they talk about their new friends and teachers, as well as dropping regular tidbits about how well her neighbours grandchildren are getting on at ‘real school’.