This Penguin Can Remain Faithful To His Partner For Life So Why Can’t You, Ian?


RESEARCH into the mating rituals of animals has revealed that penguins such as the southern rockhopper, indigenous to southern coasts such the lower half of South America, remain faithfully monogamous for life, unlike Ian Doheran, indigenous to southern coasts such as the lower half of Waterford.

In fact the majority of penguins found in the world mate for life, and even during non-mating seasons when they part from their mates for months at a time, they will always remain faithful, so we didn’t think it was such a big ask for you not to get a blowjob from some stranger while you were on a stag weekend in Newcastle, Ian, the fucking state of you like.

And although the animal kingdom is full of species such as some wolves, lizards, fucking lizards Ian, that can exist happily with the same partner until they die, this group of animals does not include Ian Doheran, who is in a league of his own when it comes to being a cheating bastard.

“Here we see Ian Doheran in his natural habitat, grovelling for forgiveness at his girlfriend’s door” said Sir David Attenborough, narrating his new series ‘Cheating Bastards Of Waterford’.

“And here comes his girlfriend Sheena Hamlon, perched now out of her bedroom window, throwing all of Ian’s shit out onto the street. Witness this magnificent creature, lashing out with cries that rival the fiercest predators of the Serengeti. Marvelous”.

As is customary for occasions where the male Doheran finds themselves evicted from their habitat, Ian will now begin a process of finding a new mate that will put up with him for a while, which he may struggle to do as news travels fast in the wilds of Waterford.