Trump Note Includes Instructions To Not Grab Any Pussies


CLOSER inspection of a note spotted in the hands of President Donald Trump at a discussion about the Parkland school shooting has revealed a number of notes and guidelines seemingly written by POTUS himself, including ‘don’t mention grabbing pussies’, ‘try steer things back to the stock market’, and ‘blame violence on Schwartchennegger [sic] movies’.

As he listened to the stories of people affected by some of the worst mass shootings in recent memory, including the Parkland massacre which claimed 17 lives last week, the president was seen to shift uncomfortably in his seat as he suppressed his urge to blame everything on crooked Hillary Clinton, another note spotted scrawled on the piece of paper in his hands.

Fighting the urge to tell stories about how he knows incredibly rich people who enjoy opulent lives or about how he once had his balls licked by a Miss Universe contestant on his private jet, Trump stuck to his notes and ran down the clock until he could head to the golf course again.

“We told him to save the dirty stories for when he’s talking to the boy scouts again,” said a member of the White House gistification team, who boil key political decisions and speeches down to four words or less for Trump.

“So you might have seen the side of the page where it said ‘I hear you’… that was my line. That’s as much as we felt confident letting 45 say. We gave him specific instructions; when these people are reaching out to you to help put an end to this ceaseless slaughter, when they’re baring their souls to you and telling you of the loved ones they’ve lost… just say ‘I hear you’, and move on. There’s no need to mention Muslims or the stock market right now”.

Trump stayed true to the notes during the meeting, but unfortunately could not help but write 1,389 tweets about how the FBI were too busy investigating bogus Russian collusion to prevent a kid with an automatic rifle killing kids.