How To Cook Raw Sewage

WITH 10 tonnes of raw sewage being pumped into rivers and seas around Ireland every minute, it is more important now than ever to learn how to cook it thoroughly, thus insuring the best nutritional value from your locality’s urban waste.

The brilliant thing about raw sewage is the fact that it is free and conveniently distributed to a total of 44 coastal sites around the country, with a further 50 locations also failing to comply with EU standards, allowing just about anyone in Ireland to avail of the unnatural resource.

With raw sewage being in such abundance, is it no wonder that hundreds of recipes have sprung up over the years, covering a wide range of elements you will find being pumped into your local sea or river. Here are two of our favourites below:

Mussels Soaked In Dirty Dishwater Water 

Mussels have long been a favourite delicacy in Waterford due to its two main raw sewage sources in Duncannon and Ballyhack; both villages just a couple of hundred meters away from some of the biggest mussle farms in the county. Using the water they were farmed in, boil the mussels for 4 minutes in a large saucepan of your choosing. No need to add anything as all the ingredients are already there. Hey presto:  mussels soaked in dirty dishwater .

Blackwater Turd Encrusted Trout

Not to be mistaken for the river Blackwater, the term blackwater is simply the water used to flush toilets, combined with the human waste that it flushes away. Trout are high in fatty omega 3 oils and rich in protein, making it the raw sewage fish of choice when it comes to your five feces a day. Blackwater turd encrusted trout tastes almost identical to fresh water trout apart from all the delicious parasites and chemicals it contains in its skin. Best baked in an oven in tin foil to ensure nothing is wasted, lace this baby in lemon juice to take that weird taste away. Chop up some dill finely and garnish. Delish with some bath water scallops.

Join us again this time next year when the 2019 Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) report on urban waste-water treatment is published, where we will have even more raw sewage recipes and locations around the country to choose from.