How DCC Plan On Preventing More ‘Inappropriate Behaviour’ At Dublin Portal


ALREADY regretting approving an art installation which holds up a portal to Irish society, Dublin City Council have been forced to act and put measures in place which bring an end to ‘inappropriate behaviour’ including the showing of 9/11 pictures to onlooking New Yorkers.

Here’s how the DCC will prevent similarly scenes, and ones including drunkenness and debauchery:

Removing all 191 pubs within a 10 metre radius of the portal.

Adopting the ‘Temple bar pint pricing’ model, members of the public will be charged extortionate money to use the portal. The ‘€20 for 20’ ticket allows an individual 20 seconds to stand in front of the portal.

A guard, armed with a cattle prod, will be stationed by the portal and given freedom to shock anyone who looks like they’re about to get up to some ‘horseplay’.

Moving the location of the portal to the Blasket Islands. While moving it to a ‘civilised Dublin street’ had been considered, this option isn’t being pursued after an investigation concluded that such a location doesn’t exist.

The live feed will now be placed on a delay of one week, giving the DCC enough time to cut the feed if any midnight orgies break out.

The entirety of North Earl street, including homeless people and soup kitchens will be covered in Hollywood grade green screen and 3-d animators can change what New York is seeing in real time.

Anyone wishing to moon the portal must have their bum judged by the independent Irish Arse Committee whose judging panel will only permit the most pert and shapely arses to represent Dublin arses on the portal.

The risk of economic devastation that comes with allowing Americans to see a non-Fáilte Ireland approved version of Ireland is too great and therefore playing Darby O’Gill and The Little People on repeat and pretending it’s a live feed is being considered.

A number of more straightforward ‘technological solutions’ have been mooted including mounting a laser gun on the portal which is trained to eviscerate any genitalia a person may expose on camera.